NeemsDangerous Habits
April 8th 2008 03:03
Last year after a 5 week trip around the United States I came back home having lost a fair amount of weight. People at the office and a few of my friends all commented how fabulous I looked and how the trip seemed to have really agreed with me.
Little did they know that I came back to find myself looking far more critically at my body than ever before. Suddenly, I felt compelled to lose more weight and became too concerned with the food I was eating. Tooting the “I’m eating healthy” spiel, I lived on leafy salads, cut out carbohydrates and fried food completely, while lunches consisted of only two sushi hand rolls and a bottle of water. Dinner was usually less.
As the weight dropped, the compliments rushed in. As the compliments rushed in, the fear of food increased. As the fear of food increased, the less I ate. The less I ate, the more weight dropped off. The more weight dropped off, the more compliments I received. This vicious cycle was perpetuating at a rapid speed.
I found myself drawn to people who shared the same twisted thoughts. Through a common dangerous bond we made light of habits that I can now see were purely destructive.
I loved the way clothes were fitting me and I loved the attention I was receiving from looking ‘better’ in those clothes. Those people in my life who had noticed the sharp drop in my weight voiced their concern but I was a master at art of casual dismissal and this fooled even them.
I wasn’t worried because it wasn’t as though I was making myself throw up or anything- I was merely watching what I was eating a little more closely. I occasionally treated myself to my favourite foods, but chose not to see how I would eat only half of a chocolate piece and throw the rest away. Surely none of this meant I was on my way to a form of eating disorder?
My internal dialogue was battling between two arguments- apprehension of the dangerous road I was swiftly travelling down and reassurance that I couldn’t possibly go down that path because I was aware of exactly what I was doing- which meant I could keep it all under control.
Had things kept going this, I have no doubt I would have found myself fighting even more powerful demons. I’m one of the lucky ones. Somewhere along the line, I began hanging out with women who had a much healthier view of their bodies. And while with them, I began appreciating myself more and more. They also got me focusing on issues I found were important to me besides weight and body image.
They added to my life a spiritual element and took away the superficial issues I had once been engulfed in. I’m happy to say I am now well on the way to recovery. Sometimes I still find myself taking a step back, but through these wonderful women, I learnt the skills I needed to combat the vulnerable times.
When I look back on the way I used to think, it scares me to see how easy it was to slip into a very vicious way of thinking. Sadly, those friends whose minds were as caught up in the weight debate as mine once was, are still there, battling with their thoughts everyday.
I was fortunate that I was able to help myself before it became too big for me to handle on my own and with the support of my friends.
Neema Mohan, April 8th, 2008- ©
Little did they know that I came back to find myself looking far more critically at my body than ever before. Suddenly, I felt compelled to lose more weight and became too concerned with the food I was eating. Tooting the “I’m eating healthy” spiel, I lived on leafy salads, cut out carbohydrates and fried food completely, while lunches consisted of only two sushi hand rolls and a bottle of water. Dinner was usually less.
As the weight dropped, the compliments rushed in. As the compliments rushed in, the fear of food increased. As the fear of food increased, the less I ate. The less I ate, the more weight dropped off. The more weight dropped off, the more compliments I received. This vicious cycle was perpetuating at a rapid speed.
I found myself drawn to people who shared the same twisted thoughts. Through a common dangerous bond we made light of habits that I can now see were purely destructive.
I loved the way clothes were fitting me and I loved the attention I was receiving from looking ‘better’ in those clothes. Those people in my life who had noticed the sharp drop in my weight voiced their concern but I was a master at art of casual dismissal and this fooled even them.
I wasn’t worried because it wasn’t as though I was making myself throw up or anything- I was merely watching what I was eating a little more closely. I occasionally treated myself to my favourite foods, but chose not to see how I would eat only half of a chocolate piece and throw the rest away. Surely none of this meant I was on my way to a form of eating disorder?
My internal dialogue was battling between two arguments- apprehension of the dangerous road I was swiftly travelling down and reassurance that I couldn’t possibly go down that path because I was aware of exactly what I was doing- which meant I could keep it all under control.
Had things kept going this, I have no doubt I would have found myself fighting even more powerful demons. I’m one of the lucky ones. Somewhere along the line, I began hanging out with women who had a much healthier view of their bodies. And while with them, I began appreciating myself more and more. They also got me focusing on issues I found were important to me besides weight and body image.
They added to my life a spiritual element and took away the superficial issues I had once been engulfed in. I’m happy to say I am now well on the way to recovery. Sometimes I still find myself taking a step back, but through these wonderful women, I learnt the skills I needed to combat the vulnerable times.
When I look back on the way I used to think, it scares me to see how easy it was to slip into a very vicious way of thinking. Sadly, those friends whose minds were as caught up in the weight debate as mine once was, are still there, battling with their thoughts everyday.
I was fortunate that I was able to help myself before it became too big for me to handle on my own and with the support of my friends.
Neema Mohan, April 8th, 2008- ©
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